Depths of Despair

I must be hypersensitive these days.

Of course there is the little thing of trying to move into a house. My husband having some rare type of skin cancer. My husband not working and needing to look for a job. The looming thoughts of getting back to work on a dissertation. Added to an extremely difficult class to teach.

Now I can add to that the people around me thinking I am a bad teacher. I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of knowing that people are talking about you, but it is no fun. Today when I came back in after bus riders the posse had the rope ready and I was the lynching material! I can't even explain to you what it felt like to know I had gone through two parapros! That I have no control over my classroom. And therefore the parapros could not stand it! I should of gotten the hint yesterday when the same group told me they would raise all kinds of cane if their child was in my class. I had assumed it had to do with the children in my class.

I'm sorry I did not fully understand until my near lynching that my job entails making sure that all children in my room are respectful to every adult they encounter (parapros, lunchroom staff, other teachers, etc). Or that their lack of respect for adults was a direct reflection upon me! I emailed one of my friends in charge of the parapros and mentioned perhaps she should come observe me and see what I'm doing wrong. I guess I had hoped that I'd get that warm fuzzy, it isn't you. Funny, I didn't get that. Even though she did call me back and try to make it better, she never did say it isn't you. She did say I was not responsible for his actions.

So have no fear I am a quick study. My most important job is to protect the adults my children come in contact with. Not teach the best I can in less than idea situations. Then I am to make ADD children who are not on medication sit in their seats and not move. Also, I've learned it has to be me because F doesn't have any problems. I've even learned that in previous years this certain student worked and was okay. Funny, that is not the story I heard until he was my problem. I think time has a way of diminishing how bad things really are!!!

So tonight I will continue to cry as hard as the rain is falling. I will pray for Dan that he does a great job judging this weekend, and that he isn't sick anymore. I will also pray that Matt makes it home safely and that we are able to get done everything that needs to be done. I will thank God that Gabe's bad day at school was only because someone bumped his arm and he spilled milk down his shirt. That today when I tutored Devon-she laughed. (Devon laughed a lot yesterday...apparently the word heifer is funny.) And that my best friend (who is also the best teacher:)) is having fun in New York City. I will praise God that JG (who LOVES drama) agreed to look over the play and offer suggestions, since I'm not artsy. That Monkey (who is overworked and underappreciated) is making my signs. I will be thankful that for the next few weeks Dan can help with Gabe. And somewhere in those prayers I will ask God to make me less sensitive and help me to do a better job teaching in His eyes.